One Captain's Spring 2002 Pre-Tournament Assessment

Fellow Captains,

I have completed my scouting report and here's my final assessment:

Cyclones - terrible team (4th). At least George will have some fun gays to drink with. Chritchley (should of went 5th), Roger (lucky to be a 2nd rounder), Shawn (better wear some taller shoes for the higher nets), Steve (good if you are need of a blade, but not a goal), Geoff (if he's anything like his brother, he'll miss the tourney cus he's cuddling), Smokin Joe (have to keep telling him what direction he is supposed to be going), Richard Rohan (good for the warmup)

Bighawks - weak (tie for 4th). At least they have the treasurer so they can buy more beer when they run out early. Eric (lucky we let him play with us), Justin (or jason...who cares, he sucks...good 4th rounder), Jefferson (cap'n dan may need to raise the level of his knee pads if he's goona stop anything), Wayne (he was acting commish for a week, just like he has to act like he knows anything about hockey... which he's been doing all his life), tom - one shift - give me my oxygen - Miller (enough said), Scott (good for more beer as stated previously), Rich Rahni - (if you own stock in a timber co...you'll love him and his 20 foot stick)

Ex Jets - awesome - easily number 1. Jingles (see his blonde hair and you wonder which Scandinavian country he comes from ....pretty easy to tell if you seen this guy Finnish), Tom Murray (likely to be held to 30 - 33 points), wayne W...Woli the Goalie (no problem with the raised nets), Jeff Edy (could of been a top 5 pick....like a magician around the net), Bob Burden (only gets better as the day goes on and the beer intake increases), garth (did you see this guy last night, i'll be modest and estimate a mere 20-25 pts), Wayne E (best man on man d man out there ...as Jingles can attest to. he's glue, and he'll stick to you!)

Mooseheads - Not even worth the time - rank 10th

Terminators - brutal..maybe tie for 4th - The only terminating in their future is their dreams of winning this thing. Sangster (do to excessive speed, likely to flip over the boards and be lost in the Atlantic for the rest of the weekend), Kirby (great ambition, bad finish. Make sure the insurance is paid up), Brett (good 10th rounder..rumours he's been dipping into stock at the "office" and not sure which batch of goods he gets into prior to the game, but likely he'll be flying higher than a kite on Easter Friday), Adam (he of mamoth reach will do well to grab beer for all of his teammates who are eliminated early Saturday), Evan (for most goalies the rink runs north/south... this but this goalie seems to think all shots are coming from the east or west), Dale ( best corner guy you've ever seen....post amnesia)

USA - U Suck Again ...tie for 10th...not worth the time.

Thomas Steen, Ex Jet Captain